Jitters

Ok, so word to the wise, here's a mathematical equation for you:

Lyme Disease + Stress + One Meal a Day + No Meds = Jitters

My personal life has swan dived into mental chaos with what's going on around me.  And this week, it's manifesting in jitters.  It feels like I've taken an energy pill with coffee and hooked an IV to pump sugar directly into my bloodstream.  And it comes from out of nowhere.  It's a new sensation.  Kind of scary.  Feels like I'm going to keel over, everything feels so fast.

So, with my messed up math equation, one could wonder, why no meds?  Simple.  I can't eat.  Even today, I didn't want lunch, but I couldn't stay at my desk another second.  I didn't have breakfast, just 2 cups of tea.  And I thought about going somewhere to eat, but I knew I would eat it and waste it, so I should just save my money.  So I went home for lunch and cleaned out the sink in hopes a little housework would stir up an appetite.  Nope.  So I force ate a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios.  Such a no no.  Why no green smoothie?  My stomach doesn't want it.  Frankly, it wants nothing at all.  And my brain is trying to let the stomach know it has to keep down or want something.  The stomach is stubborn.  Which is a shame, since we were such buddies and all against the Lyme system.  Down with no sugar!  Up with meat!  Resist the weird veggies!  Now, it resists everything.  Last week, I tried to tempt it with my soul food place that I love with the irresistible fried fish.  I ate one piece of fried fish and the two sides.  That was last Thursday.  I didn't eat the rest of my fish and I wasted it.  Wasted it!!!  My brain is so frustrated!

I did the green smoothies and meds, well, I tried.  And I lasted 2 days.  With the meds.  I did about a week of the smoothies and now, I can't do it.

I'm beyond stressed.  And I get optimistic that I'll beat this thing and be done with it all, but I'm crashing and burning under the weight of the stress.  You would think it would result in weight loss.  It doesn't.  But I'm not even on that kick right now.  I just want to enjoy food.  I usually would go to my two trusted friends in stress crises like these, Ben and Jerry, with their Dublin Mudslides and Cheesecake and whatnot.  But I don't want them.  Or any other sugar.  If I didn't remind myself to eat once a day, I wouldn't eat at all.  And when I do feel hungry, I feel like a kid in a candy store, overwhelmed and want everything with not one clear decision on the horizon.  By the time I settle on what to eat, the hungry feeling has passed and then I could care less on what I picked.

An example.  This morning, I was hungry (hooray!).  I was down for some Panera Bread because it was something I wanted to eat.  I waited an hour because I was in the middle of doing work.  But after that hour was over, the good feelings for Panera was gone.  It didn't even surface when I left the parking lot for lunch.

I'm still positive that Lyme will not survive in my body.  I'm even more positive I'll get on board with the program.  And I'm positive that my appetite will return and the stress levels will decrease.