Jitters

Ok, so word to the wise, here's a mathematical equation for you:

Lyme Disease + Stress + One Meal a Day + No Meds = Jitters

My personal life has swan dived into mental chaos with what's going on around me.  And this week, it's manifesting in jitters.  It feels like I've taken an energy pill with coffee and hooked an IV to pump sugar directly into my bloodstream.  And it comes from out of nowhere.  It's a new sensation.  Kind of scary.  Feels like I'm going to keel over, everything feels so fast.

So, with my messed up math equation, one could wonder, why no meds?  Simple.  I can't eat.  Even today, I didn't want lunch, but I couldn't stay at my desk another second.  I didn't have breakfast, just 2 cups of tea.  And I thought about going somewhere to eat, but I knew I would eat it and waste it, so I should just save my money.  So I went home for lunch and cleaned out the sink in hopes a little housework would stir up an appetite.  Nope.  So I force ate a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios.  Such a no no.  Why no green smoothie?  My stomach doesn't want it.  Frankly, it wants nothing at all.  And my brain is trying to let the stomach know it has to keep down or want something.  The stomach is stubborn.  Which is a shame, since we were such buddies and all against the Lyme system.  Down with no sugar!  Up with meat!  Resist the weird veggies!  Now, it resists everything.  Last week, I tried to tempt it with my soul food place that I love with the irresistible fried fish.  I ate one piece of fried fish and the two sides.  That was last Thursday.  I didn't eat the rest of my fish and I wasted it.  Wasted it!!!  My brain is so frustrated!

I did the green smoothies and meds, well, I tried.  And I lasted 2 days.  With the meds.  I did about a week of the smoothies and now, I can't do it.

I'm beyond stressed.  And I get optimistic that I'll beat this thing and be done with it all, but I'm crashing and burning under the weight of the stress.  You would think it would result in weight loss.  It doesn't.  But I'm not even on that kick right now.  I just want to enjoy food.  I usually would go to my two trusted friends in stress crises like these, Ben and Jerry, with their Dublin Mudslides and Cheesecake and whatnot.  But I don't want them.  Or any other sugar.  If I didn't remind myself to eat once a day, I wouldn't eat at all.  And when I do feel hungry, I feel like a kid in a candy store, overwhelmed and want everything with not one clear decision on the horizon.  By the time I settle on what to eat, the hungry feeling has passed and then I could care less on what I picked.

An example.  This morning, I was hungry (hooray!).  I was down for some Panera Bread because it was something I wanted to eat.  I waited an hour because I was in the middle of doing work.  But after that hour was over, the good feelings for Panera was gone.  It didn't even surface when I left the parking lot for lunch.

I'm still positive that Lyme will not survive in my body.  I'm even more positive I'll get on board with the program.  And I'm positive that my appetite will return and the stress levels will decrease.

Lyme Girl = Eeyore?

My husband read my blog and thought there's no optimism at all.  Just a series of aches and pains.

I was a little hurt, but it went away quickly because each is entitled to their own opinion.  Here's how I view my blog:

What's more encouraging, to read the aches and pains or to read the aches and pains with the hope of something better around the corner?  I know I blog about what goes on in my Lyme world, but at the end of the day, I truly believe that each encounter, each symptom, each pill, will yield to something better.  Like being done with the disease once and for all.  Or even some small change, will yield to less pain or one less symptom.  And laughing at myself because I don't take myself seriously at all.  And after dealing with Lyme before, you don't have the option, at least in my mind, to take yourself seriously.

I know the blog has few visitors in traffic, but just curious, is the blog a downer?

Day 2

And so far, I love it.  The green smoothie bit, I mean.  This morning's concoction...sorry, smoothie

Carrots
Strawberries
Mangoes
Blueberry Pomegranate juice
4 large handfuls of Trader Joe's Southern Greens Mix (Mustard, Turnip, Collards, Spinach)
A dash of water (the fruits were frozen, so they needed a lil extra help)

And before you say gross, this is what my body spoke to me after my high intensity interval training on the stationary bike at the gym.  I opened the freezer and let my body dictate what it needed.  Including the greens.  Let me tell you, this has been the yummiest smoothie yet.  Each time I feel my energy flagging, I take a swig of this stuff and it keeps my energy up.  Who could ask for anything more?

Sleep.  I ask for more sleep.  Even after my nap yesterday, which was delightful because I felt rested, I still wanted to go to bed at 9:30.  That would be the Lyme acting out.  And I couldn't sleep a wink either once I got to bed.  So tonight, if I remember, which I hope I do, I need to drink a nice cup of tea mixed with skullcap.  It's an herb that helps with sleep.  And when I use it, I'm out like a light with none of the groggy aftereffects like a Advil PM.  I love Advil PM because it takes away pain and lets me sleep.  But when it's time to wake up in the morning, I feel like I have cotton in my brain.  And I like sleeping, I dream in color with a nice plot with a firm beginning, middle, and end.  I miss that because my Lyme brain dream state acts like a bored teenager, flipping from station to station just when the exciting bit is about to come up, if they had waited a second longer.  And I wake up every time the dream changes.

Overall, I feel good!  This morning was a lot:
I prayed
Went to the gym (and no, I don't pray to any fitness gods on the way to or at the gym)
Came home and made my smoothie (and got the thumbs up from the baby that it was good)
Got the baby's clothes for the day
Washed out mayonnaise from the older girls' hair (to restore moisture after swimming yesterday)
Took my shower
Styled the older girls' hair
Made sure everyone had a lunch
Drove to daycare, dropped the girls off
Drove to work

By the time I came to work, I felt I already worked a half day before 9 am.

New Approach

So a month has gone by.  A month of personal chaos.  Nothing that can't be overcome.  But still.  It put a damper on my mission to health and lyme-free happiness.

So, each day is a new day, right?  I buy that.  So today is the new day of my new mission.  Green Smoothies.

Yes poppets, instead of trying new ways to eat veggies, and subconsciously sabotaging them by letting them rot in my fridge, I'm going to eat green smoothies for phase 1.  Why green smoothies?  Aren't the veggies for the smoothies still going to rot in my fridge?  Not quite.

I've had green smoothies from time to time and I love it.  It's the easiest GED way to eat your vegetables.  And the vegetables that count, like kale, arugula, spinach, dandelion, etc.  Not the starchy kind.  Mind you, I can tolerate the starchy vegetables.  Tolerate being the operative word.  Every so often.  This Lyme Disease Diet, there are lots of vegetables.  And I tried phase 1.  I really did.  But it wasn't for me.  Green smoothies are.

For one, the preparation is simple.  For example, fruit, check.  Kale, check.  Purified water, check.  Blend.  Enjoy.  And it's very filling.  Just a green smoothie and eggs (cooked in ghee) is filling and there's little room for else except water.  Just like you're supposed to.

And there's motivation.  My weight.

Let me rewind to the beginning of August.  Had the bad news and my stressed kicked into high gear.  I barely ate.  Which you would think would cause the weight to go down.  Nope.  Because I barely ate, my body held on to every single calorie for dear life.  I didn't exercise either.  So now it's September and I have a wedding to go to at the end of this month.  I have a gorgeous vintage dress, I think I mentioned it earlier in my blog.  And I want to wear it the way I'm supposed to, which means vintage shapewear.  I went Googling and found that people who eat nothing but green smoothies and proper protein lose lots of weight.  Add to this Callanetics, people look fabulous in weeks instead of months.  It also helps that I found in my travels people do outstanding when they eat green smoothies while diagnosed with Lyme.  The symptoms ease and practically disappear.  My Lyme symptoms have been creeping back.  They were so considerate during my time of need and stress that I didn't have nearly a fifth of what I had in July.  But as soon as the stress levels started dropping off, the symptoms started creeping back.  The neck pain, the exhaustion.  The lack of sleep.  Which by the way, doesn't help when you're already exhausted.

So, here I am, my green smoothie today is kale, banana, and blueberry pomegranate juice.  Complemented with 2 farm fresh eggs cooked in ghee.  It's very yummy.  My one year old drank my smoothie and kept saying it was yummy and licking her mouth.  Her breath smells like kale, which I find hilarious, until I realize that now drinking it, my breath smells like kale.  Oh well.

Since it's Labor Day and I literally did not sleep last night, I think I'm going to indulge in a nap.  I have a class online that I need to get cracking on and some cleaning to do before the girls come back from their grandmother's.  But rest, rest seems to be big on my mental agenda.  And it started talking after I drank the smoothie.  Maybe the smoothie speaks health and wisdom as you drink it.  If so, rock on.

Oh, and on the subject of meds, I'm debating taking them.  Sounds nonsensical because I have a bacteria, so take an antibiotic.  Frankly speaking, I hate them.  I hate when I'm on them, I hate what they do to my body.  I know, I complained until I finally saw Dr. S so I could get the things.  But it doesn't take away the truth that I don't like them.  I want to heal my body without having to go through all that drama.  But, knowing what I went through before, I should take them.  My concern is if I'm drinking green smoothies, will that be enough for the evil doxy?  Or will I lose my delicious breakfast?  According to phase one, the only grain I can eat is brown rice.  Well, I'm not going to sweat that today.  I'm glad that I'm getting my veggies and they taste good.

Bring on the meds

I've been in a happy world of disbelief about my Lyme this week.  Very few times I would feel the joint pain, the brain fog, the nausea.  And at one point I forgot why I was restricting myself from wonderful food like burgers and ice cream.  And my world came crashing down this morning with the squeezing sharp pressure in my neck that has slowly made its way down my spine.  My 8 hours of sleep did me no good, I was still tired and have been tired all day.

Add to this, I picked up my meds today.  Egads, I've been on my diet and no meds?!  What gives?  Well, my health insurance provider for starters.  I gave them the prescription a week ago.  They call for every little thing  yet they didn't call me to tell me when my prescription was ready.  When I called and asked on the status, they said it was ready days ago.  Then why no phone call?  Because the pharmacy can't do that.  Hmm, but the rest of your organization can clog up my voicemail all day.  Alrighty then.

So I'm mentally gearing up for my real fight between me and Lyme.  I'm very sure that this round of meds will do just what Dr. S says it will and get rid of the infection.  This does mean no more cheating of any kind.  The meds are like school yard bullies and can smell fear and weakness a mile away and get you when you expect it and continue to attack you when you don't expect it.  Kefir for the next few months will be my probiotic bff.  My kefir has been growing steadily, which is awesome.  I need to order the Body Ecology's Innergy Biotic.  I haven't ordered it.  I'm privately in denial.  Not that the product doesn't work, I'm sure it'll do wonders for me.  But it means that I'm not as well as I feel.  And today has been proof with the pain creeping back.

The swelling though, I'm beginning to see the slenderness of my ankles, which is fantastic.  Drinking water and sleeping helps.  Not solve, but helps.

And with taking the meds, that means exercising.  I'm not sure what to do.  High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) on the bike, which I love because it's 20 minutes of hard work that pays off.  Or walking for 30 minutes, which after awhile, it like watching paint dry.  Even fast walking HIIT does something a little bit, but I'm noticing my body doesn't push itself as hard because the belt on the treadmill is taking some of the work away.  And I've been reading so much about stretching that I need to revamp my morning routine and possibly my evening routine, to fit it in.

But even with all that, it's about food.  I need to eat to live right.  And it's hard when your super kind boss takes you out for lunch or someone offers you a donut or cinnamon bun. I've yet to find the best excuse.  And even when the excuse seems airtight, the pressure from people to eat the food is strong and I don't hold up to it well.  Should I claim diabetes?  Saying it's the Doctor's orders mean nothing.  I don't mean it in a bad way because the people I work with are sweet and kind.  But it's like, "That's nice.  So, you want this donut?"  And as a sugar addict, how can I refuse?

An observation

Being only 15 hours into the LID (yes, I'm counting when I'm sleep) and not cheating even once, I can finally begin to see the bones on my hands.  The swelling has gone down that much.  My fingers feel tiny again, like they should.  What I'm not liking is the intolerance to cold.  I work in an air conditioned office and it's in the 90s outside.  Right now, if I had a jacket, I'd wrap myself in it.

I remembered where I was on Monday, at my meeting where I didn't exercise self control and had that slice of bread.  So the dish I made, a couple of thoughts.  One, asparagus heads are great.  Tails are not.  Two, there is such a thing as too much rosemary.  I was picking out the rosemary as I ate, I had put so much in.  Three, I was bored.  It lacked protein.  It lacked bread.  It lacked salt.  The rosemary and thyme I put in was great.  But I wanted more.  It was filling, but I still wanted more...something.  So I paused with that and ate celery with almond and flax seed butter.  And that gave me the little something I was looking for.  But as soon as I was done, I was still wanting more.  The LID says I can have fish.  My question is when?  I found out that my microwaving fish was a definite no-no in my office.  Yes, I had heard of that but when fish is your only protein, you have to eat.  Not so, says my co-workers.  And since it's one Lymie against many co-workers, I will stop with the fish.  I could eat it at dinner, but I'm starving for it now.  Not fish, per se, just a protein.  Like a burger...

Lyme Inflammation Diet - Day 1. Again.

Sorry there's no day 2.  That was blown out of the water due to my inability to cope with stress in a healthful way.   My pity party and I ate Ben and Jerry's Late Night Snack and commiserated about our woes.  

So, today is Lyme Inflammation Diet Day 1.  For realsies this time. 

Had my farm fresh eggs for breakfast, pomegranate juice with my liquid multivitamin and I'm now munching on my lunch of asparagus, mushrooms and onions in olive oil and LID approved spices.  The lunch I was supposed to eat on Monday.  That didn't happen.  I can't remember why.  Yesterday I had a young professionals networking lunch at Panera Bread.   I had my usual at Panera, creamy tomato soup and Mediterranean veggie sandwich with an apple I didn't eat and frozen lemonade that I couldn't finish. I could have had salad.  But who eats salad?  Oh yeah, I'm supposed to.  Then with my frustrations with home, I went to the grocery store, under the truthful pretense of getting my daughter's prescription, and found myself in the freezer section grazing over which Ben and Jerry's I was going to eat.  I heard this faint voice of reasoning but then it was blocked out when I saw Late Night Snack.  

The disease is a struggle but the diet is just, ugh.  I know, it's the candida thriving inside and dictating this. But you would think I would have some drive to get rid of this thing.  And I do.  Until I get a craving for a burger or have a frustrating day and crave ice cream.  But I drank 16 oz of my homemade kefir last night and another 16 oz this morning.  I feel great with that.  

Add to this, I haven't exercised this week.  At all.  It's shocking to me.  But I read this Yahoo article about sleep is better for losing weight.  And in the Lyme Recipe cookbook the authors mention that too.  So the past 3 mornings, I woke up at 6:30-7:00 instead of my usual 5:30.  This morning I was tired, like I could have used another hour.  But when I wake up, I feel energized.  Even more surprising is the pain I had last week has been a dull roar this week.  Even with the horrible eating.  I've had the bloating, the skin crawling (even more now, hmm), muscle weakness, and heat intolerance to where it's breaking out my skin.  But no joint pain.  Oh!  Ear pain has been on the upswing.  I was in a meeting yesterday when that attacked and it was all I could do to stay upright and pay attention.  What does it all mean?  I've been waiting for my health insurance provider to give me my antibiotics, they're holding it hostage right now.  

Right now, I really, really want a cup of tea.  And a burger.  I guess I'll swig another drink of water.